August 31 to September 3, 2010. The most critical days of my life.
September 4 to September 13, 2010. The long days taking it all in.
September 14, 2010. The day of relief, worries, and boredom.
September 15, 2010. The day I realize something very important.
I always thought there was nothing exciting in my life. I imagined telling my future kids my adventures, hardships, and success living in Chicago. I always wished I had something amazing to tell. If you ask me, I have no clue what amazing is. On August 31, 2010 I was diagnosed with the Steven Johnson syndrome due to an allergic reaction to my medication. I guess now I have a story to tell.
August 31, 2010: Day 1
Tears and agony. It was around 7:30 P.M when the reaction really got to me. I had awakened from a long nap in my living room. Earlier that morning I woke up with bright red eyes, a major headache, and a terribly itchy body. It was only when I took a shower that I noticed the bumps on my chest and under arm became bigger and red. When I came out of the shower I noticed huge blisters forming in my mouth. An hour later, my mom took me to the doctors to have a quick check up. “Your daughter has a simple virus. This virus has been spreading around lately. She’ll be just fine.” Liar.
Back to 7:30 P.M. Tears rolled down my cheeks. My eyes burned even more, just the smallest bit of light burned my eyes with pain. That nap was supposed to make me feel better. My dad came to be as I screamed, frightened of what was happening to me. I rushed to the bathroom and looked in the mirror, my mouth. My mouth was filled with blisters. Every inch of my mouth was covered with big, juicy blisters. My head pounded like a drum. I ran back to the living and screamed, slamming my body on the floor. My dad pulled me up and guided me to the coach. I could hear my mom crying on the phone, shouting for assistance. What was happening to me?
Next thing you know I’m waiting in the Children’s Memorial Hospital in my all blue Aeropostale outfit, sweat pants and hoodie. Time was definitely not on my side. The wait took forever. My vision grew worse and I noticed my hands turned red. I laid down on the plastic coach while my mom filled in insurance papers. I shut my eyes, an attempt I made to keep the pain away. As I was waited, I heard a complaint from a Mexican man about insurance, a women pestering about her sick toddler to her husband, and a little girl who would not stop crying. Make the noise stop.
Next thing you know I am once again checked up by a nurse then sent to another room where several doctors came to me. After another long wait I decision has been made.
“Melanie my love,” my dad whispered into me ear. His voice cracked, “My love, everything will be all right. The doctors said you have the Steven Johnson Syndrome. You are going to the ICU now. It’s alright.” I did not complain and nodded my head as two nurses moved my stretcher down the noisy hallways.
September 2, 2010: Day 3
I am awakened by the voice of my uncle also squeezing my hand. I attempted to open my eyes but they seemed sealed shut.
“MmmTimmto Micmmmachmmel…” Why can’t I speak?
“Melanie, I’m here this is your Tito Mike. Don’t move, don’t talk, everything is going to be alright.”
“Melanie, hi your Tita’s are all here.”
I felt gentle pats on my body. Is that you? Is that really my family? I’m in pain! Comfort me, stay with me, down leave me! I wanted to scream out those words and open my eyes. I ripped my hand away from my uncle’s grasp and took my hands in attempt to open my eyes. Someone grabbed my hands. I ripped them away and touch my lips. They felt rough and dry.
“Melanie don’t touch!”
Why can’t I open my eyes? Why are my lips disfigured? I started to scream and tears dropped down my face. I wept with frustration and anxiety.
September 4-6, 2010
There were several days I went crazy. I had awakened from a nightmare and saw at least five nurses around me. I swore they were just my imagination. The seemed unreal and I hated them. I pounded on their chests and screamed they were fake. I ignored their words of comfort and refused to listen. I don’t know what happened after that. They were real.
One night I dreamt of Christopher, one of my family friends who recently passed away. He was only twenty one. In my dream he smiled at me…
I remember waking up from screaming. Eye doctors were placing at least three different types of eye drops into my eyes. I thought I was never going to see again.
I will not tell a lie. I lost faith in God. I resented him. It’s my time to die, I thought. I remember that time I wrote in my diary. Perhaps I’d be the second to die in my family. I will be forgotten once I leave. What was I thinking…?
September 7, 2010: First day of School
I could not believe I was missing the first day of school. The first day of sophomore year! It was the day to see old classmates and see who had changed dramatically over the summer. It was going to be my fresh new start. No one would realize I was gone any ways. Stop lying to yourself, I thought. I am stupid.
Someday
There were days I didn’t even keep track of. I slowly learned what had happened to me and I gained a huge bond with one of the nurses. I was receiving family visits every day, including lots of doctor visits. The first day I was allowed to eat food, actual solid food, I asked my aunt to buy me one small McDonalds fudge sundae. I reminisced the days I saved the hot chocolate fudge for last. The taste of the sundae was so tasty in my mind. When I took my first bite there was no breath-taking, delicious flavor. It was upsetting and I cried. I was always curious what my body and face looked like. My body was too difficult to describe. Another day I ordered food and used the silver spoon as a mirror. When I looked at my reflection… Disgust.
September 14: Day 14
My last day and my last night. I could not believe it. I imagined staying in the ICU for months. I no longer depended on my IV and my monitors, everything was taken off. The news of finally coming back home gave bright smiles to my parents. I was going to leave this place. Loneliness grew in my like a virus. Everyone was excited for me to come home, but it seemed like I was the only one not willing to leave. Nurses packed up my belongings. Janitors began early cleaning. Why wasn’t I excited to leave? I had a fake smile on all day and night…
September 15, 2010: Good-bye Children’s
Waiting to go home and leaving the hospital was hard for me. Not being able to step outside even once in the past 15 days, made me feel out of place. It was hot outside and I was ugly. I felt ugly and gross. I was especially weak. The feelings I had when I walked into my house, my house. It was unbelievable.
GAP
After eating dinner my family went out to play a game of volleyball outside our front yard in the side walk. The summer breeze felt great. I sat on the grass, using my front yard fence as a guard to not get hit by the ball. I sat the game out and watch since my arms were weak and still bruised from the IV. As my brother started the game, I squatted down and breathed in the warm air. The breeze caressed my scared face and brought shivers down my spine. I clutched the green grass and pulled up my long sleeves to glance at my scars. “One in a million chance,” I thought. I laughed. What a stupid saying. A “One in a million chance” is something doctors tell you for comfort. I will never believe in that phrase again. For some reason, as I gazed upon my family something hit me. Smiling at their funny facial expressions and their attempts to hit the ball I realized I didn’t love my family. I treasure my family. They are the only people sacred to me. They are the only medicine I need. Despite all I went through, they give me confidence and happiness. Instead of taking this as a punishment, my condition brought us all back together and that’s all that matters.
Search the Steven Johnson Syndrome. Look at the images and think of me. My mind and body suffered. From August 31 to September 15 I felt tortured and betrayed, but it wasn’t until I realized my family was my strength. I realized this over a volley game.
“Tears roll down my imperfect face when I look at myself, but knowing you will always be there… It’s all I need.”
